Unconfirmed Sources 2005 Year In Review

Saturday, December 31, 2005



In an effort to keep all the joy and happiness of 2005 alive, Unconfirmed Sources gives you a rather windy re-cap of the year that was:

January 2005: The flap over United States President George W. Bush's telling the White House press corps that he has "a Man Date" due to his 52% election win continues, outraging the very Evangelical Christians that elected him. Ralph Reed, head of the Christian Coalition, denounces Mr. Bush for his new Gay lifestyle and condemns Man Dates in general.

The entire planet is captivated by scenes of the Boxing Day Tsunami devastation, sending buckets of cash to Thailand and South Asia while more than 70,000 Sudanese are killed in civil wars and by the ongoing drought. 2.1 million Sudanese don sarongs and scotch tape back their eyes in an attempt to appear more Asian and apply for Thai citizenship just to stay alive. They are turned away when Thai officials realize donations will dry up if people think their money will go to starving and limbless Africans instead of cute little Asian children.

February: As if Man Dates weren't enough, The White House also shows it's commitment to Gay Rights when it is discovered that one of the Presidents favorite reporters is actually a Conservative Christian Republican Homosexual Military Prostitute named Jeff Gannon…or Jim Guckert…I can never remember.

President Bush shows his appreciation to the military for it's work and sacrifice by cutting Veterans Healthcare Benefits by 900 million dollars and Housing by another 50 million, explaining that it needs to make up the shortfall since United States Pro-Consul for Iraq, J. Paul Bremmer, admitted that he couldn't account for 9 billion dollars that was pissed away during the Iraqi occupation, saying that someone must have taken his spare change jar off his dresser when he wasn't looking.

March: Teri Schaivo fever grips America as hundreds of members of the Congress, Senate and White House join the President's brother Jeb in showing solidarity with the brain dead woman by proving that consciousness isn't the only way to determine you're brain is working.
Research suggests that far from abstaining from sex to remain virgins, young Christian girls were just foregoing intercourse in favor of anal and oral sex, making them incredibly popular in the teen dating pool.

April: Millions of non Catholics worldwide squared their shoulders and pretended to mourn the passing of Pope John Paul II, who after years of idle threats, finally died. The College of Cardinals elect Hitler Youth alumni Joseph Ratzinger who takes the name Benedict XVI, or Bennie Four Square.
America is gripped by Runaway Bride fever as goggle-eyed Jennifer Willbanks tells police that she was kidnapped by a bunch of Hispanic guys and some chick, exciting the nations lust for inter-racial and Lesbian bondage sex.

May: Evidence surfaces that the Air Force Academy is nothing more than a private Evangelical Christian club dedicated to bombing non-Christians into the Rapture; the findings surfaced as a result of investigations into charges of sexual abuse by female cadets. Muslims, Jews and non-Evangelicals protested, saying that they wanted to bomb people and grope chicks as much as Evangelical Christians and it just wasn't fair. Happily, changes were made and now everyone can now grope female cadets, regardless of religion.

June: North Carolina Congressman Walter Jones, the dope who coined the term Freedom Fries, adds his voice to the growing chorus demanding a time table for the withdrawal of troops from Iraq, proving that even complete morons were beginning to worry about George Bush's military prowess.
George Bush addresses the Southern Baptist Convention, calling for more cash for Christians and re-iterating his commitment to the ideals that it doesn't matter how many people die of Alzheimer's, Parkinson's or cancer as long as a single stem cell isn't harmed.

July: Circumventing both public opinion and Congressional approval George Bush make a recess appointment of John Bolton as Ambassador to the UN in retaliation to his falling poll numbers.
Republican Senate Leader Bill Frist regains some measure of sanity and endorses stem cell research.
President Bush, the worlds leading example of Chaos Theory, endorses Intelligent Design, or ID as it's also called. Proponents of the theory, or IDiots as they're known, respond by giving the President more time to kill Iraqi's without complaint.

August: George Bush takes a well earned vacation in Crawford, Texas where he is unexpectedly besieged by Cindy Sheehan…enough said there.
Hurricane Katrina drowns New Orleans and the Gulf Coast- President Bush compliments FEMA head Michael Brown, uttering the now infamous line, "You're doing a Helluva job Brownie." Surprisingly, Mr. Bush's poll numbers continue to fall.

September: Tom DeLay is indicted for money laundering and fraud, shocking Washington politicians who had no idea that those things were illegal. Investigations into the Valerie Plame CIA leak heats up with both Karl Rove and Scooter Libby eyed for committing treason by naming a covert agent. Bill Frist is under investigation for insider trading, the White House procurement chief is arrested for lying to FBI and obstructing a criminal investigation. The Rev. Pat Robertson calls for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. All in all, a pretty cool month.

October: President Bush Nominates White House Counsel Harriet Meirs as his choice to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Conner to overwhelming support from his base, but for some strange reason Ms. Meirs withdraws from the race rather than answer any questions about exactly how she's been keeping President Bush out of jail all these years.
Scooter Libby is indicted.
Mr. Bush also admits that God told him to invade Iraq…God denies the charges and refuses to speak to the President ever again.

November: My computer crashes and I go off-line…apparently nothing happened.

December: In a fit of madness rivaled only by George W. Bush's second term re-election, Unconfirmed Sources readers contribute to the Chuck Terzella computer fund, guaranteeing another year of bad satire and poor writing, I respond by saying, "I have a Mandate." Readers begin to rethink their generosity, but like George Bush's election, it's just too late.

Happy New Year!

 

Nixon 1973:  "I am not a crook!"

Clinton 1998 wagging finger: "I did not have sex with that woman!"

Bush 2005 wagging finger:  "I did nothing illegal!"